We arrived at our campsite late in the afternoon. I gathered sticks and set up the fire with with some of them and a little paper, then lit a match to it. That is when I noticed a small, translucent, albino lizard wriggling around underneath the burning sticks. I scolded her to get away from the fire, but she didn’t seem to understand how to do that. So I backed off a bit in order to give her the space to, hopefully, exit without me peering at her. But when I went around to where she had been, I saw that she was singed and dead. I had been regretting the fact that I had not been invited to my mother’s cremation. So here this little lizard had given her life so that I could symbolically push my mother into the flames.
Sorting through the grief of a cardinal loss is a process. The loss of Mother screams loud and clear, “You are not going to be around here forever either!”
Sibling rivalry over gifts, favors and bequeaths can be intense. I deeply regret the appropriation of property that had been promised to me by a sibling. She felt that since it had been left up to her to uphold our parents wishes she could legally get out of it, and started decades ago, brought considerable influence to bear, to do just that. I wasn’t even permitted to speak at Mom’s memorial.
After my mother was placed in an institution and I was denied any input into her care, I brought a challenge. Our mother had been institutionalized without my knowledge or consent and her location hidden from me. I had to call and visit facilities until I had found her. I had provided personal care to our mother for the two years prior to her being institutionalized, and suddenly she was isolated from my ministrations.
The house Dad and Mom wanted me to have is on a 7 acre parcel. Neither one of them wanted to meet the expense of subdividing the parcel. In fact they hated the whole idea of subdivision, land speculation, and urban sprawl. They preferred to designate the house for my use along with the orchard that surrounds it, while having the balance of the parcel managed by the trustee. It didn’t work out, because the person who became trustee wanted to keep the 4 acres the parents had given her while depriving me of the property the parents had designated for my use.
I visited Mom a few days before she passed away. She had been slowly declining for years. She seemed like the same old Mom in a way, and yet her death was no surprise; the surprise was that she lasted as long as she did in the condition she was in. She had lost the ability to walk at the age of 91 and had begun to loose her mental acuity at the age of 83. She passed almost two months prior to what would have been her 95th birthday.