My foot slammed into the brake, and the car lurched to a stop. Something on the console fell to the floor. Traffic had suddenly bunched up in front of me around a blind curve. I took my foot off the brake allowing the car to cautiously move forward again. The closest we had come to the car ahead was approximately 2 car lengths.

I breathed a sigh of relief. We had come through that one okay. I heard no gratitude for an incident well-handled from the passenger.

“Why do you speed up into brake lights? I don’t understand it. You always drive that way. I drive completely differently. I yelled, ‘Stop!’ three times before you finally took your foot off the gas and put it on the brake. You always ignore me. You know everything. You’re the perfect driver, like you’re perfect about everything. You don’t have anything to learn from me. Look at you. You run over curbs, drive into ditches, scratch up our new car. Oh but you’re just perfect. I don’t drive like you do. I watch where I’m going. When there’s brake lights ahead, I slow down. Your foot’s on the gas now. They’re going to slow down again, and you’re going to hit the brakes again. Gas brake gas brake. I don’t drive that way. I told you to stay in the left lane, but you ignored me like you always do. See? The right lane ends and you have to merge. I’m sure you do this on purpose because you know it upsets me…”

Eventually I got sick of that and gave him a piece of my mind, at high pitch and top volume of course, or he would just interrupt me. I told him the facts as I saw them, several times. Each time he would repeat his spiel again.

Now here I am taking inventory. The car is fine, our bodies are fine. All our possessions that we keep in the car are fine.

Emotionally I’m a train wreck. Why does love have to hurt? There is an argument for being alone. Maybe it’s lonely, but it doesn’t verbally abuse you. Maybe you don’t have anybody to love, but you don’t have anybody to hurt you either. Is companionship worth the pain?

Well it doesn’t matter. Even though he is right next to me, I can ignore him and be by myself. If he makes himself difficult to ignore, I can get in a different vehicle like I am now. We have two of them here. I need to get some sleep so I’m going to get in the vehicle where the bed is.

It’s typical that harsh words come my way whenever life gives him something difficult. Stopping suddenly in a traffic situation is one of his triggers. Why do I have to just take the blame? When he and I argue about what a lie is and who is lying, he thinks that if he is the last one to call me a liar that his assertion becomes true when I stop rebutting it. Okay, you’re playing hard ball with the word ‘liar’ that we’re batting back and forth. We’ll see who can go without sex the longest.

Whoever cheats pays for the divorce!
Of course it will be him that can go without the longest. I can’t hold out very long. Maybe being micromanaged and controlled would make some sense if you would put your hands on my ass and rub me up and down on your dick.

He showed me a quote from Buddha about happiness is looking within and unhappiness is reacting to outside circumstances that won my heart and I was wrapped around him again.

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